31-8-25, Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #1
Title is referencing my favorite song OAT by LC!, passage transcribed from text messages. // The desperate need to be desired has returned; doing things with them isn't enough i want to be incredibly intimately close and I keep seeing other people making progress and I am standing still; challenging my fundamental understanding of myself; I can't read myself, there is a dichotomy between my mind and body; my mind tells me that I don't want that but my body says I do and I am fighting; to give into desire would be to dismantle my entire mental psyche and I'm paralyzed; I can't exist within any modern relationship definition and thus I cannot achieve my desire to give/recieve affection; I am incapable of drawing a line between what I want out of a friendship and a romantic relationship and therefore I cannot achieve either; They are practically one in the same and it terrifies me; I just want to be close to someone where that barrier doesn't exist and I don't believe it's possible; I see myself as an outsider to both romantic and platonic relationships where I am not desired by anyone to any meaningful degree and all interactions are an exchange of value; Am I an asset; I cannot persue affection because I'm scared that there is a miscommunication in the value of the relationshop; I think it comes from my own conceived model of relationship values; For the first time in a while I felt self conscious about myself physically because I understand that it is something that people put value in and I have no way of evaluating that value for myself; I surround myself with people I think are attractive and I don't know what that means [Nor am I sure I want an answer]; I'm trying to determine if I have enough conventional value to be in a [modern] relationship (word in brackets has been omited as it better represents my true intention); I don't know what I mean, reality is perception and my perception is one where I don't fit into and heuristic; I think I'm aromantic in the sense that I am hyper-romantic and that cannot exist within my current psyche; [You have desires and feelings of wanting a relationship, but it causes you distress?], Distress from a multitude of things. // I struggle immensely with my place in the world as I believe my ideal relationship is beyond my agency and that I lack the attributes (mainly physical) that would allow me to persue this outcome. I can't physically evaluate myself and that scares me away from persuing a romantic relationship (for fear of the worst). Along with this, I am unable to convey this desire and the need for reciprocation because of a lack in confidence and associated lack of agency. It's hard to put it this bluntly but I worry that I am unattractive or ugly and that is why I have been unable to find success in a relationship prior. As I get further into college I see many of my friends forming romantic/sexual relationships with others and I don't understand why I can't seem to do the same. This is a rather deconstructed way of voicing this but I don't think I could convey it without an emotional outburst. :4
27-8-25, illness
It has been a very busy time. I love college and living alone and the agency it gives me. It's been a challenge to manage my time and get up for class and such but it's so worth it. Now instead of living in the horrific nightmare that is my parent's house, I just have to contend with them on the unfortunate occasions where I must interact. At this moment (in which I now have the time to write this) I have fallen ill with either the flu or mono. I really hope it's not mono because that would suck for a long while. It deserves its own entry, and it will get one soon, but I was thinking about the concept of free will and its nonexistence. that's all I got for now, gonna try to get some sleep. :4
15-8-25, second christening
Moving into my dorm was awesome!!! I got all of my stuff in super easily and it's so cozy. I'm going to start staying in the dorm tonight (writing this at 4AM again lol) after a show I'm going to. This is a big step for me personally as I've always struggled with my agency and feeling like I existed as my own person. I want to feel like I exist independently of the value I can provide and interact without the expectations that come with it. In my current home environment I am unable to achieve this and it weighs on my psyche immensely. To get back to a brighter note, for the time being I am the only person in my dorm room! While this will likely change, it means I got the bed/desk by the window and the view is incredible. I'm going to try and meet my suitemates soon and I think I'll get along with them well. I'm tired and I don't have much else to write right now. :4
14-8-25, placeholder; until it isn't
I am writing this on the day I move into my dorm !!!! (It is 3:10AM as I write this :3). I'm too excited to sleep and also my mind is just racing with ideas. For one, I have been thinking about this zine series I want to make and distribute at my favorite local DIY venue and I really really want to do it. The plan is to have four issues, each exploring a different aspect of anarcho-syndicalist ideology, and on the unfolded back of each zine will be a portion of a complete poster. I've thought of the titles of two of the zines (Plato's Cave, Bread & Roses) and have a general outline of what I want to explore in each one. Wish me luck lol :3 I'll make sure to post a digital version once complete. I also have realized that a TON of bands I like are having shows near me in the latter part of the year and now I reallly want to go to all of them. Not sure if I'll be able to as I may be super busy with school but I'm hoping I can make it. Finally, I realized that I am currently not weaponizing my insomnia effectively. I really need some european friends to talk to... I realized that I got it the wrong way around and I need friends in East Asia but either way I just wanna meet people from all over the world. Anyways, in a delightful mood as I am writing this and wish everyone a good day/night. :4
10-8-25, update
It has been a while. I have been busy getting ready to start college and while eventful things have happened I chose not to write about them as they weren't noteworthy enough. I hope to resume a more involved schedule as I move into my dorm and start being a functional human again. Anyways... I have been packing and stressing. I have Calculus 1 my first semester and in preparation I have been studying on Khan Academy (hope that all goes well for me :3). I am so excited to move in and I look forward to meeting my roommates and also this girl named Morgan. I met her at an orientation and she seems really cool; hope we can get to know each other. I have this idea to buy a big lego set and build it with my roommates and friends as a way to get to know each other, but I want to make sure I'll have enough room in my dorm to display it first (I'm leaning towards the Concorde set, it looks super cool). Speaking of legos, I have been getting into them again recently and my childhood collection seems to be quite valuable now. Whilst I put no value in the aquisition of money I do think its cool to have such a sought-after collection and it makes me appreciate the sets more. I also found a 2007 Lego Star Wars MTT that my cousins gave me a couple years ago and I've been having fun building it recently. // Finally, I am beginning to carve away at my phone addiction. For too long I've amassed countless screen-time hours and with a new chapter in my life I decided it was time to ditch old habits. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I semi-recently quit drinking caffiene entirely. It was a difficult decision and I struggled at first, but now I'm kinda glad. I mean, how interesting it is to say that you aren't addicted to anything. It seems bizarre as I didn't really consider it as one until after I quit. Definitely some food for thought. :4
23-7-25, my condition
For about as long as I remember, I have had some perplexing circumstance that has prevented me from living a truly optimal life. As for medical history, I have suffered from depression since around 13 and was later diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and then Persistent Depressive Disorder about a year later. I don't really remember anything prior to this time and so my perspective on life is primarily through this lens. Physically I imagine (though not diagnosed) I have something akin to an eating disorder. I had previously gained weight in my youth and was insulted most notibly by my own father, which I believe have contributed to my current psyche. Over the past 5 or so years I have consistently thinned out and my appetite has decreased substantially. I hate both the concept and process of eating and generally only eat once a day. I also suffer from insomnia and other generalized aches that come with existence. One of my favorite quotes is from Gareth of the band 'Los Campesinos!'; "I cannot emphasize enough that my body is a badly designed, poorly put together vessel harbouring these diminishing, so called vital organs. Hope my heart goes first, I hope my heart goes first". This entry was prompted by recent blood work done in an attempt to diagnose a appendage of my condition. :4
22-7-25, stardew valley psyop and hkmori-induced reminiscence
I lowkey haven't posted a new entry for a week because I have been playing Stardew Valley. Despite entirely disrupting my contrived, pseudo-productive life, I have greatly enjoyed my expirience. It has been a long time since I have really been absorbed in a game like this (I have 64.2 hours in the last 2 weeks). I have a decent farm, married Emily, and have almost completed the community center. This is my first time playing Stardew Valley beyond the first spring, and I have chosen to not utilize any wiki, so I have been going in blind and expiriencing everything as I go. This is absolutely the best way to play a game- If I could only go back and relive the expirience of playing minecraft for the first time. I will try to get my life back on track, but no promises. // I listened to hkmori for the first time whilst laying in bed at 5AM unable to sleep and it was an incredible expirience. It genuinely felt like a less intense version of my expirience taking an edible. For context, I have a unique sensitivity to weed (and possibly other drugs, idk haven't tried yet). I believe this to be due to by SSRIs blocking the reuptake of dopamine and seratonin released during onset, which led in my last expirience to a multi-day long trip during which I was attending an event where I was constantly busy doing things. It wasn't absolutely terrible but I imagine that without my mental fortitude it would have been. Anyways, I really liked their music, and they even have a neocitied page! hkmori.neocities.org // Finally, I bought an analog synth cause I was having a really awful day and have been thinking about it for a while. Its an Arturia MicroBrute and while I am still learning how to use it and such its a really cool instrument. I bought it as a "graduation gift" for myself as it takes tremendous effort for me to spend money (victim of capitalism) and now I see another thing I want to buy. Is money even real? I see no value to money yet am unable to part with it. I hate capitalism I just wanna have cool things. :4
15-7-25, anticipated developments in my process of self-actualization
Great developments have occured over the last several days. Most notibly is my purchase of a laptop and my preparations for moving into my dorm. Finally I am able to look forward to being my own person; free from the obligations associated with my current situation. I attribute many of the minor faults in my experience to my home life (whether this statement holds truth I cannot say) and the toxic environment hinders my perceptions. Freedom from this vice is not only in my best interest, but essential to my persistence as my person. For the first time in a while I look forward to something- it feels like things are changing for the better. In my confidence, I have also began exploring new ideals for my self-actualization (notably, I am starting to change my hairstyle to something more androgynous/greatly prefered). To be real is to be yourself in your mind's eye. :4
9-7-25, american sentiment(fourth of julie II)
Was thinking about my 4th of July entry and wish I would have said more. In the spirit of transparency no changes will be made to previous posts. This will act as a ret-con/continuation of that post. // It upsets me greatly to see friends and family so adamantly supporting the United States under this regime. Not only is supporting the degradation of the constitution and the rise of fascism repremandable, inaction is completely inexcusable. Every day I have to watch as the world I grew up in changes for the worst. Worse yet is my comtempt for my parents, who themselves elected this tyrant and ruined this country. I will not lie down and let everything I've ever known be taken, nor will I hold any sympathy for those who willingly relinquished their right to freedom and liberty. :4
8-7-25, asset
Sweat drips down my brow
Taste one's body as your worth
I exist as an asset used only as a means
I am what I provide
I didn't consent to this
to be born man as force not person
genetically predisposed as muscle to toil
I exist as what I provide
Withering body and mind
Each day enacts a living hell
I persist only by dint of myself
All else is folly :4
6-7-25, the fourth of julie
I was out of town for the 4th. At my cabin. I went fishing and lit fireworks and engaged in various fun endeavors. Despite lacking ammenities and luxuries alike, I quite enjoy the tranquility and otherwise lack of responsibility that comes with it. // I don't really have much to say, so I'll keep this one short and sweet. :4
3-7-25, above or below
Decided that each successive passage will appear above the previous. // Experienced yesterday what could only be described in my vista as gender dysphoria. A quite undescribable pain- otherwise feeling of alienation and unbelonging. The desire to exist as more than a male; to be able to appreciate all facets of humanity without scrutiny, as well as the thesis to become and be recognized physically as I exist introspectively (or to say the way I perceive and wish to perceive myself). This experience has undoubtably given insight into my psyche, as well as the experiences of others. I believe gender to be a classist construct and a barrier to self-actualization that I hope we as a society overcome. // I imagine this will have its own comprehensive entry in the future; alas I continue to voice my contempt. I cannot stand the bastardization, deprecitation, and fetishizing of beloved and valuable media by degenerates and moral-police alike. To appreciate media that portrays taboo themes is to be in constant combat with both those that favor those taboos and those abhorent of them. No, I'm not a degenerate. No, just because I see value in it doesn't mean I support its themes. I don't need anyone telling me what themes can and can't be explored, nor do I need people to tell me how I should feel about them. Trivializing taboo in media just devalues the media, as well as undermining meaningful discussions about the themes it explores. :4
3-7-25, christening
The first post to a blog feels both immensely monumental and completely meaningness- as if this is supposed to be a hook to a novel; a testiment to greater yet things to come. This is not that. :4